(Academic) major updates

Happy almost-Christmas! Thanks to a pivotal conversation with Eli, a timely question by Eric, and a few other enlightening discussions with my close high school friends, I've got some exciting new major updates and character development thoughts about the whole techie/fuzzy divide.

Here's an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote way back in July: "I think what I miss most of all [about Stanford] is the feeling that I'm growing, progressing, and learning. I want to reclaim the feeling which made me more confident in myself and my own abilities."

I didn't want to lose my creative drive, the late night conversations that helped me discover more about myself in six months than I had in years, and the beginnings of a solid self-esteem that I had truly never experienced before. I wasn't just scared of stagnating, but I thought I would regress into the old thought patterns and self-criticism that defined my high school mindset.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my new grand revelations occurred in Irvine where I saw a few college friends again and had a sense of independence for the first time in nine months.

My very cool friend Eli!

So anyways, the update: I'm switching from a double major in English and Human Biology to just majoring in English (possibly with a Creative Writing emphasis, but more on that later).

I'm not going to go too much into my exact reasons for doing so, but I asked myself afterwards, "Why have I been so insistent on double majoring in HumBio?"

Ever since entering college, I always mentioned that I would pursue a HumBio degree. This usually came as a surprise to my college friends, since I so often gushed about my English class, professor, and general love for the humanities. I also work with The Daily outside of my classes, and there's really nothing about me that makes people think I might be a STEM person.

To my high school friends, the big surprise was that I was pursuing an English major.

One big reason I held onto the idea of studying HumBio was because it was the one part of my college experience and identity that tethered me to my high school persona. Like nearly all of my friends in high school, I was really big on STEM. I was accepted into the Accelerated Science Program in freshman year, and I never considered an alternate path afterwards. I remember feeling like I'd found my "people," as corny as it sounds, and I loved being surrounded by classmates who were just as passionate about learning as I was.

Seohyun brought up that Chattahoochee forced me into being a STEM kid, which I think is 60% true and 40% false. My high school did prioritize the sciences (at graduation, our principal even boasted that we were the #1 science high school in Georgia, despite there being a literal Gwinnett School of Mathematics, Science, and Technology), but it was also due to my own desire to follow in my brother's footsteps (Science Olympiad, Science Fair, etc.) and an adolescent stubbornness to prove to my parents that I could do STEM and excel at it. My mom would tell me that I couldn't do chemistry if I was colorblind, and my dad bemoaned how years of med school might lower my chances of finding a husband soon. I digress.

Strangely, I always knew it was my teachers that made my science classes enjoyable. Aside from AP Environmental Science, in which I actually did enjoy the subject matter, excellent and friendly teachers were the reason I tried so hard. (Enneagram type 2?? People-pleasing?? Maybe personality tests do have a point.) I'll say instead that Chattahoochee steered me into being a STEM kid, since the most "prestigious" and well-known extracurriculars were in that field.

In college, I felt like I found my "people" all over again. My roommate liked to read just as much as I did, and I discovered how many niche English classes and topics existed outside of a general "AP Literature" or "AP English Language & Composition." I attended a professionally catered tea party for George Eliot's birthday (she's an English novelist who died in 1880), where I met a few more English professors and we talked about Victorian novels. I know a tea party for a long-dead author isn't everyone's... cup of tea (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist), but I had a wonderful time. I loved talking to the faculty about how to make denser books like Middlemarch readable in a ten-week quarter, and everyone I've met in the department is extraordinarily friendly and passionate about the English language.

I'm not brazen enough to think that my decision to be "only" an English major is final. Just like how friend groups and relationships can change, I think interests and passions can too. My favorite self-help book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck says to be in constant search of doubt of our own beliefs, feelings, and future. Certainty is the enemy of growth. I've considered that I might want to go back to school to complete a nutrition grad program or something else STEM-related years down the line, but for now, I see myself working in something related to literature, journalism, or a creative industry.

I also don't want a career in the same field for ten, twenty years. Just like how I'm skeptical of a 9-to-5 workday, I don't want to hold the same job, climb the corporate ladder at the same company, or live in the same place for so long. I know this perspective comes with uncertainty and instability (and as with everything, maybe I'll change my mind!), but I prefer personal growth over stagnation.

Also, I haven't explained why I'm majoring in English! (I apologize for all the tangents — it appears that Victor Hugo's excessive and spiraling diction in Les Misérables is getting to me.) My fall quarter English class about Victorian novels was the first time class material has ever felt personally relevant and meaningful. I find it incredible that themes described in 19th-century novels still apply to our lives today. Despite all the jokes about how much English professors overanalyze, I love close reading and picking apart paragraphs to reveal deeper meanings and connections. My advisor, Tom, said once that the only difference between he and I was the amount of time we've had to analyze the same piece of writing.

Writing my essays for his class was one of the most challenging and rewarding academic experiences I've ever had. I love forming my own opinions about classic authors like Dickens and Brontë and feeling confident that my ideas and analyses are valid as long as they're supported. Multiple analyses of the same idea can coexist, even if their owners disagree, and I'm in love with the subjectivity and necessity for individual thought. I have a deep respect for answers that cannot be searched up easily, and the pride I feel when constructing full arguments and papers from scratch is difficult to match.

Phew. Eric once told me it was difficult to write his college essays about why he liked aerospace engineering and physics because he rambled so much, and I'm just beginning to understand that feeling. It's a good one.

I'm also starting to reconnect with my childhood love for creative writing. I always brushed off Stanford's creative writing program, thinking I was more of an analyzer than a writer, but I love good words, and good sentences even more. I'm used to knowing about Stanford's exceptionalism in CS and the sciences, but Stegner Fellows is...one of the most prestigious writing fellowships in the world. Louise Glück, the literal 2020 Nobel Prize Laureate in Literature, is a Stanford lecturer. And although John Steinbeck eventually dropped out, he went to Stanford too! (Thank you for all these facts Jo, you are wonderful.) The possibility of pursuing creative writing is a fledgling thought, and it's one that scares and excites me at the same time.

Back at home, Eric asked at me why I don't often talk about Stanford or my friends there. I think everyone's college self feels a little disconnected from their high school and home identities, but my drastic turnaround in academic interests and extracurriculars makes that dissonance a little more prevalent.

I do feel (whether real or imagined) unspoken stigma and judgement for being an English major here at home. Part of it comes from my own internalized bias from my culture and upbringing that the humanities are easier and/or less respectable than STEM careers, and I'm still working on showing pride in the major I've chosen. I think most of my perceptions of how my friends perceive me is also clouded by my own insecurities. Over the past few days, I've had some wonderful conversations with Seohyun (who pretty much heard this entire blog post in rambling mode), Ash (who told me about her economics and sociology majors!), and Iris (who made the stunning observation that we're basically the same person, but chose opposite paths). I've been reminded that many of my friends aren't just hardcore STEM people, but they share my passions in creative writing, reading, and art. It's been a relief to hear their support for my potential careers in journalism or writing or whatever else I choose to do with my major.

For now, I'm happy to be home and to reconnect with my friends. I'm beyond excited to dive more deeply into English and embrace the love and appreciation for language that has stayed with me through all my years. (One thing is dislike though: It's so cold here. I miss California weather.)

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season,

Ellie