Frosh Winter Quarter Reflections

Right before I left for the airport to go back to Johns Creek (for an indefinite time, it seems), I sat in the Oval for a few minutes with my friend Serena. I remember looking up at the huge, dark expanse of the sky and feeling so, so small beneath it. I stared at the front of Main Quad, trying to immortalize every little detail of it before going home.

I've been thinking about how to live in the present without the worry of committing it to memory. Is there any way to appreciate our day-to-day lives more, to revel in every single detail and relive them later just as clearly in our minds? Of course I'm talking about sunrises and spontaneous adventures and everything else I know is special, but it's more than that.

7:06 AM, the start of week 8

The inside of my RA Shawn's room, and the beanbag where I spent so much time. Hearing Ben's [with the Deep Voice] characteristic "hey, what's up?" every time we passed each other in the hallway. Exchanging greetings with Elijah and finding out that I was his Hallway person, the same way Ben is mine. The ever-so-slightly inclined road to Roble Gym, which tricked me into thinking I was out of shape every time I biked there. Watching Eli crack Nathaniel's joints as a nightly ritual.

Knowing that the entirety of spring quarter is going to be online makes it painful to remember these moments, especially the ones in my Burbank community. I didn't think having the "all frosh" experience would be that important to me, but my dorm feels like family now, even if I was only acquaintances with or barely spoke to some of them. My RAs felt like my parents from the start of NSO (New Student Orientation), and they've done everything possible to create a strong dorm community. Burb love ♡.

I absolutely adore my RAs.

I don't have pictures of any of these (or the many more snapshots of Stanford life that come to mind), yet I find myself missing them very deeply while at home. The past few days have been a very abrupt and confusing end to winter quarter, but at least they've given me the time to reflect about the past ten weeks, which in itself was an emotionally, physically, and mentally overwhelming experience. My journal entries show that I already started to feel burned out by the end of week 5...and then I proceeded to go five more weeks at suboptimal (read: really, really low) capacity. I kept telling myself that spring break would be a time to rest and recharge, yet changing my plans to spend it at home makes me want to be hyperproductive to combat the monotony.

Here are some positive memories/milestones/feelings that

came out of winter quarter:

• I became the managing editor for the Stanford Daily Podcast for Volume 257! To be completely honest, it is a bit stressful because the section is a one-person (me) team, but it's been really fun and rewarding to be considered a "section leader" and to have complete discretion over how Podcast develops in the future. With all the new COVID-19 changes happening, it's also been really nice to stay updated and see information be verified. At least I have a reliable news source!

• I took a half-day trip to Mountain View with Eli, where we took a ballet class and ate lunch at 99 Ranch Market. This was back when we weren't the closest of friends, but it was still so exciting to go off campus with someone else. I learned a lot about him during this trip (who carries chopsticks with them everywhere? Eli does.), and I think I surprised him with my excitement of being in a Chinese supermarket again.

• I saw two of my friends from my fall quarter English class! I didn't know if we would see each other again once the class ended, but it made me happy to keep in touch with them (even if it was just once this quarter). We planned to get dinner with the rest of our classmates and our professor, but like many plans that get forgotten in lieu of other obligations, we never did.

• For Lunar New Year, I went to a Chinese restaurant with my friends Serena, Jo, and Drew. The dinner was partially paid for by Singaporeans @ Stanford ( a university group?), and the multicourse meal was definitely worth the pricey co-pay. We met many interesting characters during the meal, and the Asian stereotype of only asking about schools, grades, and academics definitely came on strongly. I'm not used to that kind of discussion with Stanford students, but it was interesting to listen to it from a distance and observe what was going on. (Enstrangement?)

My bundle-of-sunshine friend, Serena!

• The first (and only) full run of CBC's spring show!! Originally, I was going to miss it because of an audition, but I'm so happy I didn't because it ended up being the only one we did. I became much closer with my CBC community this quarter through more social events and especially our Santa Cruz retreat! While I absolutely love my dorm, being bonded by a love for dance (instead of just physical proximity) creates a different kind of community.

an accumulation of CBC photos from this quarter :)

• Watched Spirited Away with Eli and Jo! Quality movie, and also a quality movie set up. Portable projectors really help turn a dorm room into a good movie-watching space.

• Spending time with Lleyton after my auditions. Although I love traveling alone and feeling independent, being with someone who knows the city well made me feel a lot safer and more relaxed, especially at night. I'm grateful for the times he accompanied me to the train station, took me to a Thai restaurant, and showed me a cool plant garden that he loves. For a friendship largely built on text messages, it's a pretty good one.

And on the flip side, some not so positive memories/milestones/feelings:

• Someone I considered a close friend by the end of fall quarter wasn't very present around the dorm or in my friend group, and I was sad to see a friendship I cared about weaken over time.

• A few days where I absolutely couldn't get out of bed, whether that was to eat or go to class or just to talk to friends.

• That one night I sat on a bench by myself and cried for ten minutes. (We love processing feelings.)

• I went to quite a few auditions for ballet companies this quarter. At the beginning, it was exciting to go to SF and to a world where everyone spoke the same language of dance, but it became exhausting and frustrating towards the end. Being surrounded by so many positive and encouraging people at school largely kept away issues of self-esteem, body image, and self-doubt that were prevalent back when I was dancing often, and these all came back during the audition process. I also noticed new things about the dance world, like the lack of diversity in those who came to auditions and the tense, competitive nature of it all. Ballet classes at Stanford are really low-stress, and the range of backgrounds and experiences makes it feel very welcoming and fun.

Some really important things I've started thinking about (namely friendships):

1. The balance between friends and work. Until the end of week 3, I was enrolled in 20 units and unhappy with how little time I spent with my friends. There were a few times where I planned out every minute of my day, and taking just five or ten minutes to chat with someone made me feel like I wouldn't have time for work. While some people can balance 20 units with many extracurriculars and a rich social life, I'm not at that point yet (which is totally okay, or in Stanford terms, totally valid). Dropping down to 15 units and putting more effort into my relationships and extracurriculars was equally exhausting, but much more rewarding than working on assignments nonstop.

2. Friendships require mutual effort. I've thought a lot about the transience of college. Many of my dorm friendships are maintained through proximity, and I wonder how many of them will actually continue into future years. Friendships that don't have that convenience factor quickly fizzle out, and I'm learning to prioritize the people who make an effort to include me in their lives. The first friend I ever made at Stanford (during Admit Weekend!) lives in Rinc, and I would probably never see him at all if we didn't schedule weekly(ish) times to share a meal together. I sometimes wish our conversations didn't revolve around playing catch-up, but I'm grateful that both of us care enough about each other to continue it regardless. We've had one dinner that's been postponed for many weeks (and sadly, definitely won't happen next quarter), but I'm confident we'll make it happen in the fall.

3. Everyone is ultimately alone, and no one will care about you as much as you do. This is something I struggle with a lot, and it's a concept my RA Shawn brought up in one of the many talks we had. Basically, we're all so wrapped up in our own lives, worries, and goals that we don't care as much about everyone else's. It makes perfect sense (to me), but I find it really disheartening. Will complete empathy can never exist? Shawn says it's really liberating to have full autonomy and responsibility over our lives, which I guess means that the ability to accomplish anything I want is already within me. That sounds empowering, but it terrifies me a bit. Still working through this one.

Me looking like a work potato at home :/

So that's ten weeks! Condensed, distilled, cut short – but ten weeks of my life nonetheless. For now and the foreseeable future, I'll be typing away at my computer, catching up on books, and spending time with my family. Serena said, "Stanford is too beautiful to be this empty," and she was right. I miss campus a lot, and I can't wait to go back. Although I was bummed about having to stay at home, I've come to appreciate the comforts of a private shower, homecooked food, and just being able to walk around in my bare feet.

Stay safe and healthy (send me a message to let me know you're doing or call me, I need human interaction)!

Ellie ♡